Thursday, February 5, 2015

It's the best Television

Guys, I had the most TERRRRIBLE sandwich the other day. I won't nauseate the person with the details, but suffice it to say ours tasted like a slab of chalk-flavored hair wedged between two regarding particleboard and dipped in a motor-oil au jus. But it looked awesome! And therein lies the irony of the life: Too many things look like they'll be good, and then end up tasting shares motor-oil-soaked chalk-hair hoagies.

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For example! Here's a few TV shows you might be thinking of checking out right away, because they "look good. " Great... spoiler alert! They won't be good!

• Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding (E!, Fri Feb 5, 8 pm): There are only two things I love unequivocally: unasked for b-jobs and *NSYNC. And while E loooooove the idea of same-sex weddings, and particularly same-sex weddings on TV, and ESPECIALLY homosexual weddings featuring *NSYNC's lone gay and lesbian member, Lance Bass, you just know the dimensions of the E! network is going to... FAWK... THIS... UP! After all, they're responsible for transferring weekly infectious diseases like Being able to pay the Kardashians—and if anyone can kill the joy of a delicious same-sex relationships, it'll be those buttholes.

• Burden (NBC, Fri Feb 5, 7 pm): Ooooh, the plot of the new series sounds good: A fresh, genius CIA analyst is assigned with tracking down Russian spies—but compared to luck would have it, his mom and dad are the Russian spies! ("MOOOOM! DAAAAAD! You're embarrassing meeeeeeeee! ") For sure, this plot is a bit too within the car current greatest show on television, The particular Americans, but it's also a bit too may become every other show that has a socially maladjusted genius in the leading role. (Oh hello, Backstrom, Numb3rs, Sherlock, The particular Bridge, Scorpion, Hannibal, The Mentalist, House, Homeland, Breaking Bad... to find God's sake—somebody stop me!! ) Comparisons aside, this good-looking event is getting moderately fair reviews, hence it might not be as terrible as it is unable to look. (Does that even comprehend? )

• Jail: Las Vegas (Spike, Sat Feb 7, 9 pm): This is just another series in that unlimited stream of quickie reality signifies that are good to watch only when you're spilled in a Baltimore hotel room, you've in your garage already masturbated, and it's too early to go to resting 'cause it's only 9 g. m. However! They always provide with the episode titles—such as the one of these debuting this week: "Batman iPhone 5 case is busted after punching Chewbacca. " This amazing... sounds... amazing. Oh, but it probably will not! Because after making you watch anywhere near an entire episode of non-Batman-punching-Chewbacca articles, in the last 10 minutes, a guard will pull in a couple of sloppy drunks buying stained Batman and Chewbacca swimsuits, and say, "Batman and Chewbacca got in a fight. Where are you looking for 'em? " And the other maintain will say, "Just throw 'em around the rest of the drunk Batmen and Chewbaccas. " Annnnnd... roll credits. SOB! Why did I masturbate therefore early?

• Better Call Saul (AMC, Sun Feb 9, 7 pm): Obviously, a series starring William Odenkirk as his beloved Smashing Bad character Saul Goodman am unable to help but look fantastic. Meaning... which means... oh god. PLEASE DON'T WISE COURSE OF ACTION CHALK-HAIR MOTOR-OIL SANDWICH!!

A Taiwanese family moves from Washington, POWER, to Orlando, Florida… and their brain's explode.

Elizabeth and Philip manage a botched mission. (No, it doesn't have to be NBC's Allegiance. )

8: 00 E! LANCE LOVES MICHAEL: OUR OWN LANCE BASS WEDDING

If *NSYNC doesn't sing at this thing, I'll murder the earth.

Russian double staff members steal the plot for The People today and sell it to the highest prospective buyer.

's Simon Helberg tries to coerce Scott and Reggie he is not an android. He fails.

(2015) An important preacher is murdered in his local hall, possibly by his daughter's former mate? Looks good… ISN'T!

Rick as well as the gang hit the road once again, looking for a obtain settle down and bore us on the way to death.

The eagerly awaited Smashing Bad prequel focusing on lawyer Saul Goodman. Please don't be terrible!

Newborn Commish Gordon meets Baby Scarecrow—who frankly is more adorable than horrifying!

Tonight: "The Johnny Karate Wonderful Awesome Musical Explosion Show. " Looks good… WILL BE GOOD.

Raylan declares war on criminal real-estate advisers. ("Criminal" and "broker" are repetitive, aren't they? )

Tweets that have been better than they look. @WmSteveHumphrey

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